That makes me more afraid of it.   I get the chills just thinking about it.  I don’t wanna grow up.  I want to stay 16 forever.  That would probably be another 16-year-old’s nightmare:  staying 16 forever.  I am the total opposite.  I want to stay young, no matter how annoying being too young for something is.  I don’t care if I’m too young to drink.  It’s not that exciting of a privilege anyway.  I don’t care if I’m too young to smoke.  I can’t and I, personally, don’t like it anyway.  I’m old enough to drive.  I’m old enough to make my own decisions…  not legally, but whatever.  Fuck it lol.  I’m young enough not to pay taxes, worry about healthcare, or worry about retirement.  And I’m young enough to be called young.  18 sounds so old to me.  I don’t want to be old.  That is one of my biggest fears.  Being old.  The thought of it is just… ugh… it makes me shiver.

But I know when people are old and gray, their view on death is different.  I guess the older you get, the more you accept it.  I guess I’m too young to understand.  Because right now, I don’t understand why anyone would accept that one day they are just going to pass away and not live again (but you never know, that might not be the case… we may live again.)  I don’t understand why anyone would welcome death with open arms.  I never understood suicide either.  Sometimes when I hear someone committed suicide, I just get so mad.  What a waste of life.  I always wish they could give their lifetime to me.  I mean, shit, if you don’t want it — give it to me.  I want it.

Like my boyfriend said, I’m far from suicidal (because I thought I was).  And I’m far from depressed (because I thought I was).  I’m the total opposite, actually.  I love life so much and I am so happy right now, that I am so scared that life would speed by so fast and I won’t have enough time to enjoy what this Earth has to offer.  I don’t want it to be taken away from me.  I want to live forever.  Don’t care how corrupt the people are, don’t care what it takes… even if it means I outlive my parents and my kids… okay, just kidding.  I wouldn’t want that.  MY PARENTS ARE IMMORTAL.  THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE ME.  If they ever leave me, that will be the death of a part of me.

I want to live forever.  If only it was possible.  But be careful what you wish for.  Maybe when I’m old and gray, I will get tired of life and would want to be laid to rest.  But I don’t understand why I would want that.  I don’t understand why anyone would want that.  At least not right now, I don’t.