Mom: “Why don’t you start ice skating again?”
Me: “It’s expensive, Ma… and I never took it seriously.”
Mom: “I’m willing to pay for lessons again, if you’re actually going to try getting on the competition level this time.”
Me: “Can I just start my piano lessons now before it’s too late? It’s less dangerous than ice skating. Think about it, Ma. I don’t need ice skating lessons. I can already skate. I never needed lessons for it. I really want to get serious with piano…”
Mom: “…”
Me: “It’s okay, Mom. Thanks anyway.”
Mom: “… what do you want to eat?”
Me: “Anything is fine. Did you eat already?”

And the conversation goes on. I’m repeating myself again. Most of my cousins can play. Their parents can play. My mom’s sisters… my mom… but me. My parents bought me a mic… they put me in dance… drill team… basketball… ice skating… martial arts… a bunch of things that they were willing to put me in. I’m not trying to say I’m not grateful for them putting me in those activities. I just never took them seriously. And I feel bad. But how can I take something seriously when I have no passion for it? I mean I love to dance. But I keep getting hurt and stuff. I don’t even know. It’s like I’m forbidden to learn how to play the piano. I really want to make my dad proud, because these days, all I’ve been doing was disappointing him. And he’s made some pretty derogatory comments about my lifestyle. My sister already thinks I’m a brat for life. She does consider the fact that I have the potential to change who I am. But she just doesn’t like being around me. I’m only like that because my first reaction is to argue when something is said to me. And the demon child in me comes out. I’m a horrible person when it comes to my family. I’m ashamed to admit that, but it’s the truth. The truth hurts. I don’t know why I do it. I’m so stupid. But slowly, I’ve come to the point where I just need to change. I mean, my friends… other people… they look at me and they’re like, “She has a good character, she will be successful, she’s nice, she’s not rude, she’s polite…” It’s part of my nature to be polite to other people. But I’m such a bitch to my family. The people who are supposed to know me the most. I mean, my mom is the only person who understands me the most. You can say, “Oh your mom is only nice to you, because she gave up.” No. I don’t give a shit if she stops giving me stuff, buying me the necessities, I DON’T CARE IF SHE GIVES UP. She will always be the person who understands me the most. Which is why when it’s just me and my mom, we never fight. It’s how things are supposed to be. But when my dad comes home… holy. I don’t even open my mouth. I don’t even talk to him anymore. I mean things were fine on Christmas. But he blew up two days after. I’ll take half the blame for that, since I blew up after. This is stupid. I’m stupid. Everything in my life is stupid. My dad agreed with me when he said, “Everything you do is wrong. You don’t deserve to live. Kill yourself.” I mean, really? God. My mom never gave up on me though. She never will. Dad gave up, though. Obviously. He highly doubts I’ll be successful in life. Sad, huh? Lol.

But just because shit happens at home, I’ll always be a happy person and have good intentions. I won’t rebel. Because if I do, who’ll get hurt the most? Me or them? Definitely me. It won’t benefit anyone. Might as well just do the best I can. I just wish they knew how much I loved them, regardless of it not showing through my actions at home.

Honestly, it’s pretty sad that I can’t even live up to the most simplest expectations.

Thank you 2011 for giving me another chance. Hopefully I live up to my New Year’s resolutions this time.

I still want to play the piano, though. Like a real Asian lol.

Dad, when will you be proud of me?